The Enigma

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Saturday, March 04, 2006

I

Anxiety or anguish, desperation or depression... I cant name them all but I have many feelings in me now, all the saddening ones... I always believe in not expecting! To expect and to be asked for settling with something less is very saddening. I had plans, I had wishes... But then I was disappointed!
Sometimes, small things in life drive you towards thinking about the big picture. This day was one such. What happened is nothing worth pondering upon, but the implications that propelled me to think for my future pulled me out of my bed and here I am crazily writing a blog, for I fear that I may lose many of these musings if I sleep!
What am I? Who am I? Why am I? How am I? Am I good? Am I bad? Am I capable? Am I worthy? What do I want to do with my life? I am in a lane where one decision will take me to the zenith of success, or will push me to the nadir in life. So, am I well-equipped to make a decision? Am I analysing my life properly? A friend of mine once said life is a pilgrimage. So, am I pious? Is the divine purpose why I am here fulfilled? What is the purpose of my life? Why am I living it? What do I want to do with it? I have no idea...
I have career interests, I have personal relations, but what do I want to do with them? To not have anything is one thing, and having everything and being afraid and unsure of how to handle them is another. Both are very bad, atleast from where I see it.
What does anyone want in life? As they say, 'The heart is wiser than the intellect'. If thats the case, then why do we compromise on our relations in life for the sake of higher materialistic goals? If that is not the case, why do even kids in school talk of things like love and companionship?
I want to make a difference, to myself and any and everyone I know. I want to be a cut above the rest. But then, who am I? I am just another undergrad, caught up in just another mid-night tussle with self about his own life.
How do I rise above myself and evolve beyond my own preset boundaries? At this point, childhood memories haunt me. I know I have changed for the better and evolved in these years, thanks to friends and college. If this institute has done anything most importabt to me since its inception, it has changed me. I have changed and evolved with each passing day in these days at the institute. I have changed to a better person or not, I dont know, but I am a completely different person from what I was a few years ago. Will I be able to keep this pace of realising and re-realising myself, for the good or bad, in the future? I am afraid of being type-cast, of losing my own distinguished identity. But, then what can I do to circumvent it all? Nothing....

10 Comments:

At March 04, 2006 2:42 AM, Blogger Rahul said...

ammo !
Neither was I the same person nor am I any resistant to change. It's only a phase and it will pass when happier moments arrive

 
At March 04, 2006 6:50 AM, Blogger revatechnic said...

Naresh, I also realise that I am definitely not the same person I was a few years back. I am appalled by the changes in my, and there are many times I ask myself.. so which is the real Reva. Its good to muse about stuff Naresh, but it is also good to come to a conclusion that it is all in the game, and good to realise that you are indeed changing. It means that there is definitley more to look forward in life.

 
At March 04, 2006 5:05 PM, Blogger Lusus Naturae said...

Change?Identity?depression?life?success?goals? boundaries?

Redefine things....Or try not to define them at all.... Try to look at them ..but dont go inside them..When u'll reach ur top, u'll see what's in.

Your change, your drive has left tens of people inspired, believe me. And your being at crossroads, does not come as a surprise, but what matters is choosing the right path.
whatever path u choose, you can make it the right path yourself....

About Change... We cant crawl back, can we?
About identity.. its a mask...We can keep changing the mask, it doesnt matter, do not get attached to the mask.

The moment you are afraid of losing your identity and start doing things to preserve it, you lose you personal interest, your life, your missions, and become attached to your identity...

 
At March 04, 2006 5:06 PM, Blogger Lusus Naturae said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At March 05, 2006 3:03 AM, Blogger Prasoon said...

i can never write better than what raj has written n so - dude - just accept the change but then, there is an option out - u actually can decide when to change urself - i try n do that everytime i cross some milestone [ happy or sad] but its possible.. if u think ki u dont need to change now, u can stick with the same u or is if u plan the other way, there is abs no ned to tag along with the older u for the sake of society..

jus a doubt - were u speaking of the vasavi plans :D in the beginning... [he he he he he]

 
At March 05, 2006 5:24 PM, Blogger Amod said...

You too going through the same tussle? Just a pessimistic fact: I'm just one out of 6.5 billion inhabitants of this world, so I'm just too insignificant to make a difference. But I can definitely do wonders in my personal life and the people associated closely with me. You may think on this line, but always be ready with a contingency plan, because life is unfair.
And Who Am I??
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind...
The answer, is, blowing in the wind...
:)

 
At March 06, 2006 8:59 PM, Blogger Rahul said...

I usually dont come back to post comments again but since Amod inspires me

uff uff ufoooo ufoooooo ufooooo uff uff ufffffffff

That was some blowjob :p

@Raj: good one

 
At March 07, 2006 10:15 PM, Blogger I Am Sam said...

identifying urself is not tough, presenting this identity to world really matters. people do sometime present personae who exactly is not same as they are, so i believe that everybody changes with the time, but a basic essence of being true to thyself does not change. u have changed in terms of knowledge, experience, seeing this world through your eyes but real honest, witty, suave naresh will never change.

I m JusT LiKe the WaY I Am.. my mantra of liviNg..

 
At March 08, 2006 10:13 PM, Blogger Myndfcukd said...

u been tagged, by me. its the second time for ya, so dont bother.

 
At March 22, 2006 7:43 PM, Blogger Abhi said...

I always feel that man really knows frm deep within the most appropriate path which is for gud, but we try to cover it and dont try to listen to that inner true voice. Just peep in urself and question, and u will for sure get the answer for which u wont ever regret...coz u have just heard and taken the most objective path...



Forrest Gump: I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both, maybe both happening at the same time.

 

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